Secret Girlfriend Fakes It For You

A first-person, scripted confessional web series from comedy distributors Atomic Wedgie (Cleveland’s Next Top Model, Dick Joke of the Day) recently optioned for an 11-minute Comedy Central pilot, Secret Girlfriend follows six stunningly attractive women as they talk ad nauseum about a supposed relationship that exists between themselves and the viewer — basically like a real relationship, but with even less sex.

It’s an alluring premise: big-boobed, PG-13 soft core that’s slightly evocative of lonelygirl15 in its just-off-screen promise of titillation. Each of the women in the series evokes a specific “type” — Mandy, the chatty artist; Jackie, the sex addict; Sarah, the cute girl next door with the “old soul.” And as each woman relates vignettes to the camera — about last night’s dance party when the viewer’s pants fell off, about what they’re wearing tonight, etc. — you find yourself experiencing the timeline of an actual relationship, from first meeting to eventual breakup.

That’s the appeal of the show — women who’re solely interested in you, your fantasy football team, sex, etc. — but its muddled by the fact that the women just…keep…talking. Instead of paying attention to anything they say, I think back to USA Up All Night — that ’80s show you’d watch in the vain hope that somehow the network technicians would slip up and play the unedited cut of Bikini Carwash Company 2.

And why are they all talking to webcams anyway? Girlfriend beats the viewer over the head with the format. Despite the millions of first-person narratives uploaded to YouTube every day, the Girlfriend format can feel forced — often, the women talking to the cam are staring slightly upward, as if the camera were on the ceiling. Despite the webcam format’s cache, it feels awkward when you remove the person from their desk.

Other problems: The writers have enough insight to understand character types (girl next door, crazy artist, etc), but somehow fail to understand that men don’t have “secret girlfriends.” They have public girlfriends who they secretly cheat on. Or, more likely, non-existent girlfriends in Canada.

Despite these problems, Girlfriend is a hit. Wedgie’s had enough success with the show to produce the Comedy Central pilot and create a spin-off series called Secret Boyfriend — which will in turn probably show men playing to women’s fantasies: i.e., listening intently.