Mr. T, Where Are You?

Why isn’t Mr. T a web video star?

I mean, I know the man has appeared in many viral ads and there are a number of hilarious 80s-era found footage clips out there, but here is an icon with a decades-refined persona, who plays beautifully on the small screen and perfectly captures our culture’s love for old-school camp. Why isn’t he everywhere? Why isn’t he the host of a Rocketboom-style daily podcast? Why doesn’t he have a weekly series on My Damn Channel? Why doesn’t he even have a domain name?

Like other inadvertent web video stars (Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff), Mr. T’s to-date online success represents an intense fascination with the hypermasculine combined with nostalgia. It’s a combination that is of course rife with potential for homophobia and sexism — but that tracks with the bulk of lowest-common-denominator web entertainment, and Mr. T is never explicit about this (with the exception of the Snickers ad slogan of “get some nuts,” for which the ad campaign bears more of the blame). In this post-Fight Club era, in which the aging desk-bound nerd can find humor in his physical flaws, there’s a definite market for this brand of entertainment. Mr. T’s time is not over. Mr. T’s time is now.

The one-time bouncer/bodyguard/actor can’t be accused of having much range as as a performer, but as an authority figure on pretty much any subject, he’s unimpeachable. The perfect example is his World of Warcraft ad, when he declares that he has rewritten the game to create a Mohawk class of warrior. Try to imagine disagreeing with Mr. T on a subject. Seriously, do it. I bet you can’t. Who better to sell a product or service?

And this clip of him advising kids to Treat Your Mother Right (a rap which, according to Wikipedia, was written by Soulja Boy foe Ice T) not only demonstrates his potential as a role model for kids, but, by racking up over 2 million hits, puts him… Okay, maybe not quite in Tay Zonday territory, but definitely in the “big on the Internet” category.

So you web video entrepeneurs, where are your offers? Where are your pitches? Mr. T is available, and to be honest he’s probably available for not terribly much. And Mr. T, where are you? Look at M.C. Hammer, who is not only an active Twitterer and blogger, but is using other new media ventures such as DanceJam.com to reclaim some of his past glory. You’re a self-made man! You don’t have to wait for the tech world to come to you. Step up and establish your online identity, create your own projects. For, while I would never dare to call you a fool, if you fail to capitalize on your own potential, I might one day be reduced to pitying you.