What the Buck vs. Perez: Station Conversation

Sure, the Brits have Graham Norton, but ever since Isaac Mizrahi’s show headed for the big fabric scrap heap in the sky, American talk airwaves have been disappointingly straight-man-centric. In this week’s Station Conversation, Liz Shannon Miller and Jill Weinberger discuss what would happen if the Internet’s shining gay stars, Perez Hilton and What the Buck’s Michael Buckley, battled it out for small-screen supremacy.

Liz: Here is today’s hypothetical scenario: Jon Stewart leaves The Daily Show, and Comedy Central decides they want to take the show in a more, um, fabulous direction. There is one slot open for a flamboyantly gay talk show host. Michael Buckley and Perez Hilton have 30 minutes to fight it out. Any weapon, verbal or physical, is in game. Who gets the gig?

Jill: My money’s on Buck. I can see where some might think Perez has the advantage because of having no soul, but I say Buck has the sharper mind and the quicker wit.

Liz: See, there’s where you’re wrong. A soul is exactly what you don’t want to have in the cutthroat world of professional pop culture commentary. Perez doesn’t feel. Perez doesn’t care. Perez will rip your face off and then draw a little cartoon squiggle of semen on it. And then he will post it on his web site.

Jill: Fair enough. But Buck is actually good on camera. He can think and talk at the same time.

Liz: Perez can rap.

Jill: ‘Cause that’s what it’s going to take to win a gay host showdown: mad rap skillz.

Liz: I’m just saying, Buck looks like a crier to me. One mean rhyme and he’ll be on the ground.

Jill: I saw footage of Perez on The View (in the course of this job, mind you), and it was pretty painful.

Liz: But that’s a talk show appearance. It hardly seems fair to judge based on that.

Jill: It hardly seems fair to judge someone’s ability to have a talk show based on their appearance on a talk show?

Liz: But you’re judging Perez based on an unscripted appearance, versus Buck on a rehearsed, scripted series — unless you have footage of Buck being interviewed?

Jill: Buck does do regular live chats, which is kind of talk show-ish, where he is on webcam whilst the fans are typing away. They ask him questions, he asks them questions … it’s all interactive and spastic and adorable.

Liz: Meanwhile, Perez has a comments section.

Jill: Well, WE have a comments section, for frak’s sake.

Liz: Yes, but we don’t use it to publicly disclose where we’re blogging. (In Perez’s case, a Coffee Bean in Hollywood.) That is balls, right there. Whether or not you think he’s a good person, Perez’s no-holds-barred approach keeps celebrities honest — which is exactly what we need from a pop culture commentator of this sort.

Jill: Well, Buck’s not exactly shy, either, but I will admit that one of the best things about Perez is that he’s not afraid to reap what he sows. Though I will also say that I think Buck, while lacking Perez’s bulk, looks like he could scratch and bite something fierce. He’s scrappy.

Liz: Scrappy will only get you so far.

Jill: Yeah, well, you can’t draw penises for half an hour, either. I mean, you can, but it won’t win you anything.

Liz: I guess the question is, whose debate skills are up to the challenge? Because we’re talking about internet commentators who don’t have to engage with their audiences if they don’t want to.

Jill: Well, then, you really have a matter of taste. Do you like your pop culture commentary hopped up and manicky, or do you like it full of gay outings?

Liz: That is Perez’s primary weapon, the gay outing. Well, no, his secondary weapon. His primary weapon being crude Photoshop skills.

Jill: You know, this may be a debate first, but I think the ideal situation might just be to bring Perez and Buck together.

Liz: Yeah?

Jill: For a delightful celebrity-bashing flameathon. With musical numbers in which Buck sings badly and Perez raps badly.

Liz: Hah. Who would be first chair, though? Someone’s name has to come first.

Jill: Well, now we’re back where we started.

Liz: Maybe we should just give them knives and be done with it.

Jill: OH NOES! Don’t cut my Buck!

Liz: Honestly, I think Buck should be happy to take second chair. He’d be the straight man. So to speak.

Jill: Perez has greater fame, it’s true. Ooh, maybe Buck could START as second chair, have a surge in popularity, and push Perez out in a whole Star is Born type scenario. HOW AWESOMELY GAY IS THAT?

Liz: That is the uber-gayest. The only way it could be gayer … wait. Actually, no. I can’t think of how it could be gayer.

Jill: Perez makes a big comeback and takes the stage by storm a la Effie in Dreamgirls.

Liz: Okay, yeah. That.